Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
