Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
