I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i came on her dog
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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