btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
