her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
