So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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