That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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