here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
