We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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