No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
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Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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