His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
