peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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