yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
