I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
