I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
