I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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