Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
