I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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