Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
