god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
