Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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