I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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