does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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