I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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