The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My cat gives me a boner
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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