i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
