The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
