The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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