His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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