i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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