Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
