Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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