He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
