It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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