I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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