I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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