i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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