went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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