the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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