Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
