I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
