well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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