dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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