woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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