I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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