if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
