Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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