Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
only you would photoshop your dick
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
