I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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