He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
