it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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