I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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