I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
