you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
