I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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