Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
