I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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