Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
