I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
