I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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