on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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