If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
