Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
