Can i not drive my cunt home
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
