are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
