fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
